A Little bit of humor

[Sophora]

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and
dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for
the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and
saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...





A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

:banana:

[Sophora]

'The Beer Scooter'

This has answered a question I'm sure we have all puzzled over more than once in our lives.....

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought: 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try,you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman Pantheon and has bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detect this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

This answers the second question after a night out: 'how did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out: 'What the hell
happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.

Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you Tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.

Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

[Sophora]

:smokin1:

[Sophora]

:banana: I love being Irish blooded

[O'BOOT]

MORNING SOHOPRA, LOOK'S LIKE YOUR HAVING THIS EARILY IN THE DAY.. MISS JOAN

[Sophora]

THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.





THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

:classic:

[Sophora]

Best blonde joke I have heard in ages:

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
bum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container,









(Wait for it - it's good)











"To apply, push up bottom"

[O'BOOT]

ok you got me off gaurd now i'll need to find my blone joke's morning sohopra miss joan

[Sophora]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[O'BOOT]

SOPOHRA,THAT'S A GOOD ONE..JAMES---- WHAT DOSE A BLOND WATCH FOOTBALL THINK A QURTER BACK IS?-----AWS. CHANGE JAMES

[O'BOOT]

A BLONE IS WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN SHE TURN'S TO HER BOYFRIEND AND SAIDS IF FOOTBALL PLATER'S MAKE SO MUCH MONEY -- WHY DO THEY ALWAY YELL "GET THE QURTER BACK?'

[Sophora]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
:cool:

[Sophora]

Here's the reason I had to leave snow country!!!:surprised

Sorry.. had to remove the snow blower.. this is a open forum viewable by children.

[Sophora]

you ever have one of those days....???

[O'BOOT]

YEA ITS CALLED A BAD BLOND DAY MISS JOAN

[Sophora]

Now that Uday &Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:
Sooflay ...................the restauranteur
Guday.................... the half-Australian brother
Hearsay.................. the audiologist
Huray.................... .the sports fanatic
Bejay.................... ..the gay brother
Kuntay &Kintay.......the twins from the African mother
Sayhay................... .the baseball player
Ojay..................... ...the stalker / murderer
Gulay.................... ...the singer / entertainer
Ebay..................... ...the internet czar
Biliray.................. ....the country music star
Ecksray.................. ..the radiologist
Puray.................... ...the blender factory owner
Regay.................... ...the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.................... ...the one with bad hair:

Among the sisters:
Pusay.................... ....the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay................... .....the coffee shop owner
Bufay.................... .....the 300 pound sister
Dushay................... ....the clean sister
Phayray.................. ....the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway................. ..the grocery store owner
Ollay.................... ......the half-mexican sister
Gudlay................... .....the prostitute

:smokin1:

[O'BOOT]

LATTAY, I BELIVE THAT MIGHT BE MR. BONE'S NICE MISS JOAN

[O'BOOT]

OK DUMB BLONE , WHAT DOSE A BLONE THINK T.G.I.F. MEANS??? TIT'S [GO[/U] IN FOUNT MISS JOAN

[Sophora]

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

[Sophora]

Rum Cake
Before you start, sample the rum and check for good quality. Good, isn't it?

Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cups, spatula, etc. (Check that rum again for quality. It must be just right! Try it again.)

With an electric beater, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again. (Meanwhile, make certain that rum is of best quality.)

Add two large eggs and two cups of dried fruit and beat until very high. If fruit gets stuck in the beater, pry it out with a screwdriver. (Sample rum again, checking for consistency.)

Next, sift in three (2) cups of baking powder and add a pinch of rum, one seaspoon of soda and one cupa papper...(or maybe salt?) Anyway, don't fret, just taste that rum again. Good stuff.

Next, sift in a half pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped buttermilk and strained nuts. Sample rum again.

Now, one bablespoon srown sugar, or whatever color is around. Mix. Well.

Grease your oven and turn cake pans to 359F. Now, pour the whole mixture into the oven ... (HONEY? WHERE'S THE MOP??)

On second thought, forget the oven, pitch the cake and check the rest of the rum. Bo to ged.

[O'BOOT]

Originally posted by Sophora
Rum Cake
Before you start, sample the rum and check for good quality. Good, isn't it?

Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cups, spatula, etc. (Check that rum again for quality. It must be just right! Try it again.)

With an electric beater, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again. (Meanwhile, make certain that rum is of best quality.)

Add two large eggs and two cups of dried fruit and beat until very high. If fruit gets stuck in the beater, pry it out with a screwdriver. (Sample rum again, checking for consistency.)

Next, sift in three (2) cups of baking powder and add a pinch of rum, one seaspoon of soda and one cupa papper...(or maybe salt?) Anyway, don't fret, just taste that rum again. Good stuff.

Next, sift in a half pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped buttermilk and strained nuts. Sample rum again.

Now, one bablespoon srown sugar, or whatever color is around. Mix. Well.

Grease your oven and turn cake pans to 359F. Now, pour the whole mixture into the oven ... (HONEY? WHERE'S THE MOP??)

On second thought, forget the oven, pitch the cake and check the rest of the rum. Bo to ged. NOW THAT'S MY WAY OF BACKING MISS JOAN

[Sophora]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

:cool:

[Sophora]

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't worry!'' says the driver to his friend, ''Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!''

They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ''Have you been drinking?'' he asks them.

''Oh no Sir,'' replies the driver.

''I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?'' the cop asks.

''Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers. ''We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.''

''Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop, ''What on earth are those things on your forehead?''

''That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk. ''You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!''


Be Safe this Holiday weekend
:smokin1:

[Sophora]

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

[Chuck]

21 years ago Herman Jones, a West Virginia mountain man, enlisted in the United States Marine Corps.

On the first day of boot camp the Marine Corps issued him a comb. That afternoon a Marine Corps barber cut off all his hair.

On the second day of boot camp the Marine Corps issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon a Navy dentist pulled out 7 of his teeth.

On the third day the Marine Corps issued him a jock strap. The Marine Corps is still looking for him.